Vashon, known for its rural charm, is now on the forefront of the Ai revolution. That’s right, friends, we are the home of Shelby, the world’s least helpful robot.
Shelby is the absolute worst!
I tried to give it my prescription number for birth control and it said, “I didn’t catch that.” Then I gave my name and it couldn’t find me. Eventually it gave up and left me a message. It’s so inconvenient it would honestly be easier to not get birth control and instead be pregnant for nine months, give birth, and raise another child for the rest of my life.
I’m not the only one. Everyone else hates it. One person says, “I keep pressing 0 until I get to a person.”
We all find ways to try to circumvent the robot. One person says, “As soon as annoying Shelby starts asking, I just keep saying ‘pharmacy, pharmacy’ and it gets me there.”
Another says, “Whenever I get AI I make unrecognizable responses until it gets me to a human.”
One islander adds, “I may have spoken profanities at her a few days ago. She told me she was sorry I felt that way and she would take it into consideration.”
How does a robot take a person’s emotions into consideration? Oh right, they don’t. They’re just parroting words humans say. I am not appeased by your politeness Shelby! I know there is no sincerity there, and that no entity is actually taking my feelings into account.
But of course, our swearing at Shelby and demanding to speak to a human is not a private conversation. One person points out, “Heads up- I was told that when you’re on with Shelby it transcribes everything you say and it can be seen by the staff.”
One pharmacy staff member notes, “Also, staff does not hold it against you when you use bad words while talking with Shelby ”
A transcript of my conversation would look something like:
Shelby: Hello. Why are you calling?
Me: Refill
Shelby:Please tell me your prescription number.
ME: 123xyz
Shelby: (endless typing.) I didn’t understand that. Please say that again.
Me: If you didn’t understand me, then what were you typing?
Shelby: (more typing) I recognize the phone number you are calling from. Would you like to enter a prescription number?
Me: yes
Shelby: Please tell me your prescription number.
Me: 123xyz
Shelby: (more clicking) I’m sorry, I can’t find you in our system. What is your name and birth date?
Me: operator
Shelby :I don’t find any records for a last name of Operator
Me: Pharmacy
Shelby: There are no records for Operator Pharmacy in my database
Me: I hope you die. A lot. I will knock your teeth out.
Shelby: I will transfer you to voicemail
Me: Oh, walking away? Too scared to fight?
Shelby: Would you like to hear the store hours?
Me: no
Shelby: The pharmacy is open from…
Me:(hangs up)
I’m not the only one who’s distressed. One person says, “‘I’m….connecting you to the pharmacy staff now’ That pause like it’s supposed to make it sound more human make me want to tear my hair out ”
Everything the robots do to try to seem human is even more off-putting than their normal behavior. I honestly think we shouldn’t be making humanoid robots. We already have a world full of capable humans. Robots should do things humans can’t do. They should look like spiders with twenty legs, each of which ends in a different sized socket wrench.
As one astute islander notes, “ the manic keyboard typing sounds was what got me…Shelby, write the novel on your own time. Tick tock.”
Those keyboard clicks are the worst. It asks you a question, like, what’s your name? And when you say, “Anna,” somehow clicks 100 times. How the hell are you spelling Anna? How many Ns do you think are in my name?
I guess the keyboard clicking sound is meant to make you feel like you’re talking to a real human, one who is bashing the keys on a typewriter. But I did not call to listen to Faulkner write his opus. I called to get my anti-depressents refilled. And after dealing with Shelby, I think I’ll need to up my dosage.
A real person named Shelby says, “IT’S NOT ME! I thought the phone system was recognizing my number when I called in to it. I had no idea ‘Shelby’ was annoying everyone and disgracing my name.”
I feel for everyone named Siri and Alexa. And now the Shelbies of the world are getting their names coopted. But I also love the idea that Human Shelby thought the robot was copying her name. Like, anytime someone calls in, the robot mirrors their identity. What a weird, twisted world that would be.
An islander informs us “Shelby WILL be going away and the old system will be returning. It is a work in progress, so patience is key. Yes, she’s there for now…..but NOT forever!!! The pharmacy listened to everyone’s complaints. Hang in there!”
Thank you! I’m so glad our complaints have led to positive change. You heard that folks, keep the angry posts coming! Only through angry posting can we change the world.
AI has been on people’s minds lately. One person decided to have a meetup at the library to discuss AI and learn the various AI tools out there.
Rather than showing up to have a discussion, we go to town in the comments.
One of the first comments is about the privacy risks of using AI. A commenter says, “Please do NOT give any AI program access to your medical records, even for ‘help with medical notes.’ We know people ARE turning to AI for health advice and we do know people are trusting AI when it gives improper health advice. We also see daily, a new tech company with a data breach.”
Another person points out how AI is stealing jobs. They say, “Lame. AI is putting so many people out of work (myself included) but hey Vashonites… when the logo or pet portrait you try to get pumped out with AI never turns out quite right, I charge $20 an hour .”
An islander responds, “Sorry to tell you, but a huge number of jobs are going away very quickly. Basically most white collar jobs will be cut or lost. So, learn a skill, this is not a temporary disruption, people will have to plan their lives differently today than they did last year. It’s going to be messy.”
I’ve heard this argument a lot, and I think it’s lazy. Nothing is inevitable. We are not just stranded on a liferaft with no paddle floating down the river of history. We have agency! Create the future you imagine!
Another person makes this point about aesthetics: “AI art will always be soulless but go off I guess.”
One person sees meetups like this as a sign of the demise of civilization. They say, “It makes sense that people want to know how to use this tool, within the container of our tech-worshipping culture. I don’t have a moral judgement about teaching those skills – it’s entirely natural and reasonable, culturally speaking. To me, the normalization of AI signals that our culture intends to carry on with business as usual until a major collapse of the biosphere. Apparently there’s nothing I can do about that, and a very large number of smart people don’t see it as a concern. I’m glad I’m old.”
Bold to be like. I’m outies! Good luck Earth and all the people who’ll continue to live on it past its expiration date.
Full disclosure: I am opposed to a lot of the ways AI is used. I think it plagiarizes, it inhibits thinking, and has a huge environmental impact. The images and writing it produces are soulless. This is because it’s trained on a huge corpus of writing and imagery, and it takes a statistical average. Everything it produces is the hump of the bell curve. But all the interesting art is out on the edges. The best writing has combinations of words and ideas you haven’t seen before.
I also have this kinda out-there theory. I think a lot of the wealthy proponents of AI fear death. They’re rich, and the only real, unsolvable problem they have in their life is that they will one day die. They want to live forever, either as a conscious being or by having a simulacrum of themselves left behind.
I think this also explains why there are multiple AI products that allow you to ‘talk’ to deceased relatives. There are people who think this is not creepy (which it totally is) but a real way to defeat death.
I try to imagine my children interacting with an AI trained on a lifetime of my internet posts. They’ll be like, “We miss Mom. She always had insight into our emotional worlds. What advice does the MomBot4000 have for me?” And the AI would be like, “Marxist pussy beans.”
And if the bot were trained on all my Rundowns, it would say, “Ferry Bingo.”
We have so many ideas. Some islanders come with entire lists. The first list:
“1)Boat slows or stops for Orca whales.
2)Vehicle needs to be pushed or towed off the boat due to mechanical failure
3)Car alarm goes off
4)Driver falls asleep at the wheel, either in line or on the boat.”
The second list:
“1.Everyone gets to listen to someone else’s: Music, Phone call, Argument
2. You get the alert for the cancelled crossing while you are in line.
3. You drive to the next ferry dock and the cancelled ferry is cancelled. It will resume sailing.
4. You are the third car in line and the last car off.
5. They squeeze your car into the far lane, you can’t open your door and you have to pee.”
I have experienced all nine of these, and seeing orca whales from the ferry makes up for the other eight. Also, why do people set their car alarms on the ferry? Like, maybe I could steal your car, but I’m not going to get very far.
We have other ideas, too. One person mentions, “Completely made up ferry worker hand gestures.”
I love the gesture where they wave you forward even though it looks like you’re about to hit the car ahead of you or the ferry worker themself, and then they suddenly hold up their hand in the STOP gesture with a look of panic in their eyes as if you were a speed demon and not someone crawling ahead at half a mile per hour exactly as they told you to.
And then there’s the problem of getting stuck in the Bad Lane. “You need to get to SeaTac ASAP and you are directed to the far left lane so you can’t turn right at Fauntleroy.”
And worst of all is when the dock workers who’ve heard your joke a thousand times don’t humor you about it. One commenter says, “The ticket booth person doesn’t laugh when you say ‘No one is hiding in the trunk’.”
Someone mentions my biggest pet peeve: “Somebody starts their car up before the boat reaches dock.” The NO IDLING signs are there for a reason!
Someone adds, “Car battery dies, can’t jump start it, has to be pushed off the boat by that crazy little WSF vehicle.” I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one whose battery has died on the ferry.
One islander suggests what I think could be the free space in the middle of the bingo card: “Oh darn lack of crew”
But we have some positive ideas about the ferry. One person says, “You are 1 minute late and the boat is 2 minutes late so you are the last car on!”
I love rolling onto the ferry. It’s the absolute best feeling when you buy your ticket, get in line, and never have to actually stop the car. It’s nerve- racking when you’re in lane three at Point Defiance and know you might not make it on. But then they wave you through and cram you into the back of the boat. Then guess what? Puzzle time.
I also love when I get in line and know I will definitely make the next boat. Someone else also feels this way, as they say, “You make it in front of the Green Sign on the south end.”
We also have my second favorite favorite ferry experience, ranked number two just after seeing orca whales: “Cute, happy dog hanging out the window”
Someone follows this up with: “Spotted this cutie today!”
This baby! Someone let him out so he can run around upstairs! Give him a hot dog from the galley.
Just as ferry problems are perennial, so are ant problems. We have the following pst:
One person says, “I’m available”
Does this mean they are available to come over and eat the ants?
The poster replies, “You know you’re welcome at any time. I’ll make you a delicious dinner of anything other than .” So, I guess that’s a no to them eating the ants.
The person who offered their services responds, “will it have tapatío?” Presumably if you’re not feeding them the ants you’re advertising, then they will settle for hot sauce.
Others are on board with bringing ants into our culinary repertoire. They say, “We would be rich if they were a delicacy! I absolutely detest the stinky little effers.”
Maybe we just need a cultural shift toward the acceptance of eating ants. More people are starting to eat crickets as a source of protein. Why not ants?
And some comments even show that islanders have been eating ants, if inadvertently. One says, “I had a cup of chai one morning. Left it for an errand. Not for real long. Returned and swigged my chai. It tasted a bit strangely sweet. Looked into the cup and yes! There were ants. I had just tasted my first dose of ant!!!
They are not the only ones to try out home-grown organic Vashon ants. One islander recounts this story: “Another day I was microwaving a sweet roll. Pulled it out and saw an ant romping around inside the microwave. Thinking ‘oh hell no!’ Shut the door pushed the oven on for the 10 seconds! Looking through the oven window. Oh! Hell no! The ant was crawling around unbothered!”
This is how you create mutant super villains.
And a third isalnder has experimented with adding ants to drinks, like pulp in orange juice or those gross tapioca orbs in boba tea. They say, “I also had a mouthful of Ant Delight when I grabbed my water glass that usually sits on a shelf in my kitchen. It was dark. I was thirsty. Then paranoid they were crawling up into my sinuses. ”
One enterprising islander says, “I have threatened to have an ant eater rental service”
We have Rent-a-Ruminant. Maybe they could expand their business. Rent-a-Vermilingua. Doesn’t quite have the same ring, but we can workshop that.
Just as we need to rid our lives of ants, we must also rid our lives of trash. But the new garbage cans we’ve been allotted just aren’t cutting it.
One person comments, “First world problem”
Another responds to that saying, “my least favorite response.”
Same here. We are all part of this group specifically to air our petty island grievances. This group is not the place to solve world hunger. That’s a totally different Facebook page. This is the page where we solve problems like pharmacy’s bad AI.
One person has a helpful suggestion. They say, “Drill holes in the bottom or tip water out. I can’t believe this is a post.”
What about it is unbelievable? That they didn’t think of the solution? That they complained? We had a long thread last month about the new garbage cans. We are an island that doesn’t like change. And this whole new can thing is a big adjustment. We’re all doing the best we can to adapt.
Another person gives the same advice, but without the snark. They say, “Drill hole in bottom ” Which garners this response: “This is literally genius I am doing this tonight omg”
So this petty grievance led to solving someone’s problem. A little good was put into the world.
Not everybody has this problem, though. One person says, “You mean yours is still upright when you get back? Water doesn’t get in mine when it’s in the ditch!”
One person leaves this comment:
Is this a poem? It’s got a beat poetry vibe, like I’ve seen the best minds of my generation shove their garbage into the neighbor’s bins.
Others think we shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. One says, “I don’t question their methods and the don’t drop me as a client for having a nightmare driveway. Harmony.”
We all have the same reaction: “wait! They drive up your driveway? Is it paved? How long is it?”
And finally, besides being a giant ant mound with insufficient garbage cans, we’re also a place where ancient glaciers dumped a bunch of rocks. The technical name for this is ‘Glacial Erratic,’ which is a super cool name. If you happen to have an especially good rock on your property, someone is collecting pictures of them. Please put a little joy into the world by participating in the citizen science project of identifying and locating a bunch of cool rocks.
Author: Anna Shomsky
I'm a former teacher and a data engineer living on Vashon Island. My writing has appeared in Five on the Fifth, Broken Spine, Women on Writing and on the Post-Culture Podcast. I wrote and produced the radio show Whispers of Vashon for 101.9 KVSH. I’ve had short stories published in the anthologies Island Stories and Chicken Scratchings, as well as through the Open Space Literary Project.
