We start with a rant that is 250 unpunctuated words long and begins as such: “riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.”
Wait, I mean like this, “What’s up with all these nosy Karen’s that all the sudden got a wild hair up their ass to just take pictures of of anyone they feel the need to weather weather there on private property or not to create and post crazy absurd accusation stories which most are untrue…”
We make fun of the language used, but the poster has a valid point, taking pictures of people and posting them online to incite bullying is totally obnoxious. I get that our policing system is broken and sometimes we resort to vigilante justice, but it should be used sparingly. Reserve it for people who don’t use turn signals or who park badly.
For example, we have people parking in the no-parking zone on a residential street, and a mini-car manages to block both a driveway and a mailbox at the same time. Impressive work.
I understand the frustration because my chickens hang out in the driveway, block my car in, and don’t respond to horn honks.
We have a poll by someone looking for like-minded people, asking if anyone believes in vortexes, beings from other worlds, and a bunch of stuff I’ve never heard of, like 5D and the Galactic Federation of Light (not to be confused with the United Federation of Planets.)
I voted yes, on account that I have written extensively (~6 paragraphs) on vortexes and aliens on Vashon.
The poll choices were “People that get me” and “People that think I’ve lost it.” Remarkably, people who believe in alien federations outnumber skeptics 2 to 1. Many of us were asking for clarification, because there is a nuance between “I think there is likely life elsewhere in the cosmos,” and “aliens walk among us and disrupt our cell phone service.” To clarify, the poster shared a link to an advertisement for a conference in Orlando for believers, and it sounds like a hodge-podge of scammers telling tall tales for attention and money. According to the spokeswoman in the video, the conference will have merpeople, super-soldiers, hybris (hybrid people/ aliens, not hybrid cars), experts in exo-politics, and a boy who, at age 8, woke up in an Andromedan starship and has been reporting intel from them ever since. Wait, If he’s on the Andromedan Starship, how will he be at the conference? Do the Andromedans have advanced telepresence capabilities, like intergalactic Google Meets?
Some islanders are skeptical of this poster on account that their account is relatively new, and this is their first post to the group. I agree. There is nothing more suspicious than someone who hasn’t wasted away the last ten years of their life on the internet.
But back to Earth. A terrestrial problem we have is how to manage ants. We have suggestions to use peppermint, lemon, and vinegar, which sounds like we’re spraying the ants with salad dressing.
An astute islander tells us we could give ants baking soda and make them “explode like a 3rd graders volcano science experiment.”
Another islander has a more psychological approach. “I yelled at them ‘Not today Satan!’ Oddly, it seems to be working.” Well, no kidding! Though ants tend to prefer the ancient name Beelzebub for their master.
One islander says that home remedies don’t work and suggests you call their friend, whom they refer to as “the ant whisperer.” I wonder if he’ll be at the conference in Orlando?
We end on a lovely post that reads like a poem.
I didn’t see it because I never leave my house. But consensus pegs the fireball as a meteorite. I have a different idea of what it might be, and for a speaking fee of $10,000, I’d be happy to get on stage and tell the truth about celestial fireballs.
Author: Anna Shomsky
I'm a former teacher and a data engineer living on Vashon Island. My writing has appeared in Five on the Fifth, Women on Writing and on the Post-Culture Podcast. I wrote and produced the radio show Whispers of Vashon for 101.9 KVSH. I’ve had short stories published in the anthologies Island Stories and Chicken Scratchings, as well as through the Open Space Literary Project.
