It’s spooky season, and monsters and menaces abound. We’ll start with the frightening spectre of a chicken who has just had the true meaning of his life revealed to him, and is transfixed by the horror that awaits.
The first comment is ominous: “here’s our chance to see what mayhem Honor and Bandit create at the farm! ”
I love that you gave your dogs such opposing names. You named one dog Honor, presumably because she is a noble creature who always helps on the farm. And then you basically named your other dog Little Shit.
Apparently your naming choice was correct, because in the next comment someone says, “I was thinking about Bandit too!”
And another person adds of Bandit, “he is a perfect candidate for chicken sqwaking excellence.”
Some one says, “TOP. SHELF” I don’t know if they mean it is a very fine product, like top shelf whiskey in a bar, or if they mean you should put it on the top shelf where little hands can’t reach.
One resourceful islander comes up with a use for the rubber chickens. “Anyone with a burro or donkey – heads up! That YouTube donkey loves his chicken! Get one – better yet, two – for your beloved donkey!”
They then include a video, from which I have grabbed this screen shot, to illustrate a donkey’s love for a rubber chicken.
Maybe we could do a fundraiser where we have a bake sale, and once we earn enough money, we can buy out all the rubber chickens and give them to the local donkeys. It’ll benefit both our pharmacy workers and our donkeys. Truly win win. Unless you have a donkey. Then sucks to be you.
Rubber chickens aren’t the only disturbing object ready to give you a fright. Someone also found a rogue knife in the road.
Again, civic minded islanders think of a place you could bring your cursed object so it will get some use. One says, “Drop it off at center forest apartments. We need kitchen knives for our shared kitchen”
Another person asks, “Carbon steel stainless?” I wonder if they lost a knife and are trying to find out if it’s theirs.
And they’re not the only one with loose knives lying around. Another person says, “This reminds me, I have a kitchen knife in the trunk of my car. Maybe someone else did too?”
One person hypothesizes. “Pumpkin season definitely a big part of the answer to the mystery.”
Americans are so car obsessed we’ll carve jack-o-lanterns while driving. Maybe the driver hit a bump and the knife flew out of their hand and out the window.
Another hypothesis is” “Maybe it fell out of a truck that was taking it to the dump”
That just doesn’t sound realistic.
An observant island says, “Kind of looks like the same shape and length of a filleting knife for fish. If it’s flimsy and bounces back after bending then it probably is. Bounced off someone’s truck or boat/trailer”
Another islander’s response to that: “Greetings, fellow sane person.”
One islander thinks it might not even have come from a car. They say, “I always walk with my kitchen knife.”
I carry my yogurt spoon wherever I go in case of some unexpected yogurt.
One person asked, “Is this still available?”
And you may want to travel around with a knife, because there is now a BEAR on the island! That’s right, an actual, honest to god, adorable black bear, who has come to eat all the apples that are falling off the trees. This may be the most surveilled bear in all of Vashon’s history. He started out on the South end of the island, made his way all the way north to 103rd and 216th, then flipped south, crossed the Isthmus, and has been spotted around Maury.
Here we have the first post about the bear.
I love that they say the bear looks small but then when you look at it through binoculars, it suddenly appears quite large. Yes, that is indeed how binoculars work.
The first comment is, “new rug?”
Someone was appalled by this, and responded, “please remember that this is a living creature, just like you or I.”
To which our first commenter replied, “they don’t make rugs out of people.”
So far we are not off to a good start in tracking the bear and keeping everyone safe and not getting sidetracked and distracted by our petty squabbles.
Someone gets us back on track by saying, “Secure your trash, pick up windfall fruit, don’t leave food in your car, don’t fill bird feeders.”
If you come to my house and notice there’s trash strewn around, just assume that it’s because we were visited by a bear, and not because we’re super gross and lazy and just throw the empty water bottles out of the car into the driveway instead of placing them in the recycle bin.
One person thinks about what’s best for the bear and says, “A fed bear is a dead bear.” They then have to clarify what they mean, because most of us associate being fed with not being dead. They add “it’s a saying in BC, where the bears come into neighborhoods and eat garbage, fruit, and birdseed. Once they find a regular source of this food, they become habituated, start breaking into homes and cars, and therefore a ‘nuisance’ and are hauled off and euthanized.”
An astute islander says, “Quick! Someone warn the kids on the ebikes!”
We all know those kids are tough and could take on a bear. Or add a sidecar and have the bear ride shotgun.
We start tracking the bear in the comments. One person adds this comment and picture: “Big guy is in my backyard now. Harvesting apples.
”
One person says, “Maybe skunks will start swimming across Colvos Passage too! ”
I swear I sometimes smell skunk on the island. Is it a rogue skunk who swam over, or am I just smelling highly potent weed?
One person reminds us to not do anything stupid. “What a gorgeous big fella. Thanks for the heads up. Hope we all use common sense and steer clear so this big guy can just mosey on his way and not get shot.”
All this sounds reasonable until I see the bear and get an urge to take a selfie with him.
One person figures we don’t have much to worry about. They say “Here the fatten up on apples and berries, definitely doesn’t want to have anything to do with humans.”
Relatable. I also want to fatten up on apples and berries and have nothing to do with humans.
One person says “just leave it alone, it’ll swim east in a couple days.”
Another corrects them, saying, “West.”
And then gets one more correction, “North.”
I think he’ll swim south and go taunt the bears at the Point Defiance Zoo.
One thing we all get into is discussing whether the bear is male or female. One person uses the very scientific Compare-to-Ladder metric. “From the photo looks female. I say this only from the photo, and the nearby ladder for scale.”
A couple days later our bear friend makes headlines again. Note that they’ve gotten more photogenic over the intervening days. They’ve probably been peeking through our windows and watching America’s Next Top Model.
The following picture is the first comment, without any explanation or context.
The most unsettling thing about this picture is that the guy appears to be wearing a shirt that says HOT and features Lightning McQueen from the Pixar movie Cars. Honestly, if that’s your fashion sense, the bear was right to sedate you. My hope is the aliens will swap out your clothes then erase your memory and have Bigfoot drop you off back at home in your new duds.
We’re tired of referring to the bear as it/he/she/the bear. Someone says, “He needs an official name!”
We have the following suggestions:
- “Bubba Bear”
- “Maurie? Jumbothy?”
- “Barnaby?”
- “Smokey!”
- “Trek as he’s been trekking around pretty quickly. It’s a strong masculine name. Trek the black bear. I’m sure he will get lots of names though. It would be fun to start a naming poll!”
A technically adept islander created a poll. It starts with these options, but people have added to it.
Someone added Bear Force One, which of course I voted for. It only has 8% of the vote. I need everyone to dig up this post and vote for Bear Force One.
Though maybe we shouldn’t just name him based on the fact that he’s a bear. We should take his unique characteristics into account. One person says, “He is beautiful! Very glossy fur. I wanted to be able to pet him and feel his fur. Of course I didn’t approach him at all. Just was amazed as he walked out of my front yard. I have two apple trees, so I hope he got some food.”
So maybe we should name him something like Velveteen. Then Bear Force One could be his middle name.
I’m happy we have our own local bear because I need to show it off to my dad. Bears are super common where he lives, and he’s always sending me pictures of them in his yard. I once sent him some pictures of my kids, and he responded with pictures of a bear pulling trash out of his garbage can. I wonder what he meant by that.
A few days later we got this post:
Our island trackers are on the case. One says,“He was on 280th on the south end yesterday!”
Another adds, “Redding Beach this morning.”
One says, “Where’s Bubba! Hope he finds lots of apples and comes back next year.”
We did not agree on Bubba! That’s not his name!
We have quickly become habituated to our new resident. One brave islander says, “Gimme dat fatty bebe for a cuddle. I’m kidding Haven Vashon so don’t worry.”
We’ve even started to share the good word of the bear with our friends and colleagues off island. One islander says, “Also – Bubs/Bubba et al. (the bear) is a celebrity now within my entire global work place.Everyone is invested.”
I refuse to believe that the name Bubba is sticking. He is Velveteen Bear Force One.
As scary as knives and bears are, one islander had the misfortune of spotting the most frightful thing.
An astute islander asked the following question: “were they circumcised?”
The poster responds, “unsure, I’ll head back that way. Let’s hope they prioritize their renal health and heavily hydrated since I drove by.”
Wait, do you think they’re still out there peeing? Like they’ve become one of those European public fountains that just constantly drips water out of a cherub’s dick?
Others understand the urgency of peeing, but they remind us of the mantra of Real Estate Agents: Location Location Location. “Yeah when you gotta go you gotta go, but it’s SO easy to walk into the woods here friends, just dip behind a huckleberry bush JEEZ”
Another adds, “If only this island had some trees for when ya gotta go real quick.”
Some people want to know how the poster reacted to seeing a dong. One asks, “Did you honk? I’d have stopped, honked and waved!!”
Maybe someone tossed their car knife at the guy, and that explains how it got in the road.
One person turns this into a chance to talk about public infrastructure, and the need for more publicly accessible restrooms. “ok but on another note, a not insignificant number of us walk/bike to town from considerable distances, and you know, when you gotta go, you gotta go, or risk a pretty unbearable walk, and it’s not like we have gas stations or corner stores on all ends of the island to stop at. call it poor planning in many cases, but I’m willing to bet the list of islanders who’ve relieved themselves off the side of the road is longer than they’d admit. sounds like this guy didn’t try to hide it though and that’s its own issue.”
I’m trying to remember all the weird places I’ve peed on island. I’ve definitely seen parents pull little kids out of cars in the south end ferry line and have them pee onto the side of the road. Though I haven’t seen anyone do that since they added those signs telling us to watch for poison oak.
We had one last jumpscare in October. In the middle of the night, two hours after the last ferry run, a fog horn bellowed. We have the following post, which captures the vibe of being awoken in the middle of the night.
One person says, “It’s super foggy.”
Yes, that can be inferred from the fog horn. But it doesn’t answer the core question: Who the boat?
Others heard the sound, too. “My dog is terrified. 3am.”
Another adds, “heard it on cove near the airport. cat had a few questions.”
I’m curious what questions your cat asked, and how she articulated them. Did she say something like, ‘Who the boat?’
One islander adds, “Eerie. I’m by KVI and can hear the engine too.”
Someone clarifies what the sound actually was. “Very foggy. Next cargo ship headed this way now.”
The original poster, presumably after drinking a cup of coffee, says, “I knew Vashon’s quest to always know ‘what’s that sound’ would not fail me.”
We are a bold community standing up against all sorts of scary things – knives, bears, rubber chickens, weird dicks, loud noises – by keeping each other informed. Good work everyone. You give me faith that we can all face any horrors that await us together.
Now I’ll sign off because I need to go to the pharmacy and squeeze some rubber chickens until the workers kick me out.
Author: Anna Shomsky
I'm a former teacher and a data engineer living on Vashon Island. My writing has appeared in Five on the Fifth, Broken Spine, Women on Writing and on the Post-Culture Podcast. I wrote and produced the radio show Whispers of Vashon for 101.9 KVSH. I’ve had short stories published in the anthologies Island Stories and Chicken Scratchings, as well as through the Open Space Literary Project.
