Only on Vashon – The Monthly Rundown May 2025

I’m coming off my very first bout of Covid, and my brain is foggy and distracted. I haven’t spent much time looking at Facebook, but I did binge an entire season of America’s Next Top Model, so I still have horrible opinions I can inflict on you. Did you know the most recent seasons have male models in them? And the creative director, Yu Tsai, is so enthralled with his own authority that he thinks any model asking to be treated with basic respect is somehow disrespecting him! I mean, he got mad at Matthew for simply saying that he prefers to be called Mathew instead of Matt! What kind of monster thinks they get to dictate the terms of other people’s identities? Oh wait, that’s the whole premise of the show. 

Anyway, I somehow pried my feverish body out of bed, sat down, and opened Facebook. I even managed to curate a few posts. I liked the posts with cute animals in them. Those were good. There were lots of posts that were filled with words, which normally I like, but in my current state they’re just too daunting. So we start off with a post about this lovely little guy. 

The first commenter says, “Ball python! Best first pet snake to have!” I like how this implies that having snakes is like having chickens, where you mean to just get one but in a few years you find yourself with three coops, an indoor chicken hospital room, and a kitchen full of chicken-themed knick-knacks. 

Another commenter says, “If you’re unable to care for it I can offer to rehome. I follow several reptile groups and am going to an expo next weekend. I can find it a home.” So basically you’re a reptile roadie. This is excellent; thank you for your service. 

Another commenter says, “It’s a ball python. We have a complete set up for one as ours passed away. Do you know its history? Has it been handled regularly? Eating frozen or live mice?”

A friend of mine who’s watched a ton of reptile rehab reality shows, and is thus an expert on the subject (the way I’m now an expert on modeling) says you shouldn’t feed live mice to snakes. If the snake isn’t hungry, he won’t eat the mouse, and then the mouse might attack the snake! 

Speaking of pets, we have this post: 

One commenter notes, “lmao but really who does carry a stapler around?”

I carry a stapler everywhere in case I need to leave a note in someone else’s garbage. I find it works better than tape. 

So group, how do we feel about leaving a bag at the end of the street for an hour and picking it up on your way home? How long does a bag of poo need to be on the side of the road to be considered litter? So long as the bag is still warm, you’re free to leave it anywhere? Maybe you should leave a stopwatch next to the bag so we know it’s still under warranty. Once that stopwatch hits 30 minutes, out comes the stapler. 

Speaking of disrespecting the environment, we have this post: 

The first reaction from a commenter is to ponder murder. They say, “I gather you are suggesting ending the coyotes, which I’m all for. At least when we were overrun with trash pandas we didn’t have to worry about cats and small dogs.”

Another islander disagrees. They say, “I MUCH prefer the coyotes. The raccoons are a bloody terror to my chickens 24-7. With the coyotes, I just have to lock the gate at night. Plus, they sing prettily at night. I lean out my window and sing along.”

No need to hate the coyotes when you can join them. Wouldn’t it be fun to roam the island all night with your friends, singing eerie songs and eating free range chickens (and some cats)?

 Someone who posted four times this month about people who drive badly asks, “What is this island’s obsession with these creatures?!”

We’re obsessed with them because they’re beautiful and free. We fear them and aspire to be them. They’re a pack of wild and beautiful beings, like a group of aspiring models. 

While we’re offended by the presence of coyotes, we feel the urge to care for little wild birds. We have this post: 

Did we try to protect the eggs so much that we blocked the parents from them? We’re monsters.  You know who never made that mistake? People in the past when the island was better. One commenter says, “I’ve lived here for nearly 36 years, raising 2 sons on island. They recall how I strictly controlled their play, to the south end of the bridge, protecting any destruction. Sadly, over the past 20 years, adults encourage their kids and dogs to run, kayak, toss balls, without one iota consideration. Once the succulent type marsh is damaged, it never comes back. PLEASE KEEP OUT OF THIS SPECIAL AREA! ”

Okay, but maybe it’s the birds’ fault? One person says, “Killdeer lay their eggs in the silliest places. Good to be mindful of them and watch where we walk & play. If they sense danger to their eggs they will lower a wing and pretend injury to draw the threat away from their eggs.”

Others point out that nature has its own wisdom. One says, “With all that crap hiding near the parents cannot see danger coming, that’s why they nest in the open. Just keep away from it. We’ll be lucky if they pick another place to nest around there. Leave the wildlife to what they’re doing.They are smarter than you when it comes to their habits.”

I disagree. I think we should interfere more. If you see a raccoon latrine, build a cottage around it with pallets. Build bridges between all the ant mounds on your property. Teach the crows how to play chess. We should be the most meddlesome species, telling every other animal how to live their lives. Like a judge on a certain reality TV show that I can’t stop thinking about. 

Killdeer aren’t the only ones who are having no success mating. We have the following post: 

“The one I dated on the island wasn’t honest. Not a huge sample size but that was my experience. Your pink bathroom was not because the paint was on sale. You know who you are ”

I need to know the story behind this. Is there something wrong with pink bathroom walls? My bathroom walls are yellow, which is the worst color for walls to be. Does this make me unlovable? And why would pink bathroom walls be a red flag? 

I’m not the only one who’s confused. One person says, “understanding Vashon mating rituals brought out the primatologist in me. Bananas.”

What are Vashon dating rituals? I was already married when I moved here, so I never experienced the unique joy of dating in a place where everyone knows everyone’s business going back four generations. 

Apparently, the Vashon dating scene is a bit incestuous. Many people write comments along these lines: “You don’t lose your partner, you just lose your turn.” You can put a positive spin on that, though. Next time you date him, he’ll have painted his bathroom a different color, and it’ll be like he’s a whole new guy. 

One person says, “Don’t touch island dong.” So, cyber-sex. 

Another says, “I moved here to avoid dating altogether.”

Many say the best choice is to date off-islanders. One says, “I am a long time islander and have never dated on island. I met my husband on tinder lol. Truly hilarious.”

Others have had good luck. One person says, “I met my husband here at the gym that we now own. I had given up hope. ” Another says, “I met my husband here while slinging coffee at AJ’s. Over 10 years later I’m happier than I’ve ever been! There are some gems!”

The trick is to have a rom-com style meet-cute at a local business. Maybe your soulmate is just one trip to the Subway bathroom away. 

One person throws back to a song about this phenomenon: “The Island trio called Women, Women & Song wrote a song called Island Life over 40 years ago that spoke to this issue. “Island life, island life, where everybody’s lover is somebody’s ex-wife.” I think I got the lyrics right. Fact check me”

An islander  does fact check and shares the true lyrics, which are: “Island life, where everybody’s sister is everybody’s wife; where we all are connected with a multicolored chain, and the phrase “my brother’s keeper” has a meaning all too plain.”

The real version has some dark undertones-incest, biblical fratricide. Now I want to hear the whole song.

People are looking for more than just love. They’re looking for medicine, or something akin to medicine. We have this post: 

Immediately people ask what that could mean, and one commenter clarifies: “It’s the ability to scan a person or animal’s body for disruption or issues resulting in sickness, disease or poor health.”

So which one is the poster looking for? A commenter asks: “For animal or human?”

The poster answers, “Human.”

When I hear “scan a person” my mind immediately goes to Star Trek, where they have these devices called tricorders that they run up and down your body like a metal detector and it shows everything that’s wrong with you. Nothing is more relaxing to me than at night, as I’m lying down trying to sleep, to imagine Dr. Beverly Crusher scanning me with the device, finding all the microplastics and heavy metals in my body. 

If she used the tricorder on me today, it would flash red and beep, and possibly catch fire, on account that I have the plague. 

But back to other people’s problems. There are plenty of medical intuitives on island who offer their services. One even says, “In person or online? Im a medical intuitive but know plenty of others if you’d prefer online ”

Is being an intuitive a lot like being a psychic, where if you have to ask, you’re already doing your job badly? 

Another says, “I would say I’m intuitive and biologist who studies genetics and epigenetics.” I’m curious what you could tell about my genes, as well as the changes to their expression that happened due to circumstances in the womb, just by looking at me.  Would you be able to diagnose that I like trash TV?

I’m not a medical intuitive, but if you’d like I can come to your house, look you over thoroughly, and tell you everything I think is wrong with you. In fact, someone offered my services to come to people’s houses when they write posts as bad as the one below: 

We’ve been through this debate before when people fought over whether it was okay to post pictures of spiders in the Vashon Visual Delights group.

How much are we responsible for anticipating other people’s sensibilities, and how much are we responsible for managing our own content intake? Should posts about lost animals start with a content warming? Would that help, or is it just the thought of a missing cat, even without the details or the cute picture of their itty bitty button nose, that triggers such deep unease?

If I claim that posts about people driving badly through the four-way are upsetting to me, will you all stop posting about it? Those posts don’t actually bother me, it’s just that we’ve run the well dry when it comes to possible comments we could make about that intersection.

Can we also stop complaining about tourists? We have the following post: 

Despite having spent the past week watching the absolute worst garbage on TV, I have no idea what show this image is from. It looks like one of those superhero movies where there’s so much CGI, I might as well just watch a screensaver. It’s all explosions over a greenscreen that the movie mostly consists of a bunch of pixels moving around. I feel like I’m watching the solitaire cards after winning a game on an old Windows machine, but without the emotional investment. 

I realize that admitting to watching America’s Next Top Model and also hating on a popular movie franchise may make it seem like my opinions are backwards and bad, but I promise you, they are actually worse than bad. 

You see, I don’t hate tourists.

But it turns out I’m not the only one! One person says of tourism, “It does give us a common topic of conversation in the middle of the produce section or if you prefer in front of the yogurts.”

Also, our economy isn’t solely tourism. We have a thriving second-hand knick-knack market. Much like the island dating scene, you don’t lose your tchotchke, you just lose your turn.